a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
