her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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