Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
