Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
