I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
