Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
