I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize