i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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