I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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