im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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