i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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