I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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