she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My liver just had a heart attack.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Boobs are out for the taking
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
