you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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