Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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