don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
