do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
