so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
