im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
