Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
