Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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