Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
