the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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