It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
