Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
