He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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