I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
