Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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