My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
