seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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