Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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