That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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