Moan for me like Helen Keller
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
