I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
