I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
