He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
