I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
