dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
