Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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