Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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