hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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