shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
