And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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