She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize