There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
