I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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