So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She even gives head with a lisp.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
