I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
