I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The Olympian is in my bed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
