How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
