Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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