I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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