Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
