sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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