Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
