1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
