I looked at my own cervix.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
