my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
