i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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