the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize