First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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